Peaceful

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas! Mine was good, much easier than last year. Holidays are always difficult for my family and especially christmastime since Tyler loved it so much. Fortunately for me, I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. It's hard to be sad when surrounded by so much love.

But now Christmas is over and my family and I took the fifth wheel down to Galveston for some R&R. I'm currently blogging on an IPad, listening to the ocean, and drinking some wine.

Emily and I always talk about things that are good for our souls. This my friends, is good for my soul. How do I know something is good for my soul?

For me, something is good for my soul when I find myself taking deep breaths that fill my lungs entirely. And without thinking about it. When I close my eyes and feel at complete peace. When I don't have to quiet my mind because it's already quiet. When taking a stroll down the beach fills me with joy.

The beach,any beach, is good for my soul. It's my happy place. I needed this after the whirlwind of graduation, the  panic of getting all my client hours, and the nerves of Christmas.

I hope everyone knows things that are good for their souls. Everyone is different. For Emily, being in a bookstore browsing books and drinking coffee is hers. Find something that fills your lungs completely and you find joy stirring in your belly. It's the best.

That's What Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown

So I was talking to a friend not too long ago and he was telling me how he wasn't a big fan of Christmas. You should have seen the face I made. It was a "Whaaaaaaaaat?! How could possibly not like Christmas?!" face. After I regained my composure, he explained himself and what he made a lot of sense. It also made me question why I like Christmas so much. He explained that it seemed like to him that society gets so wrapped up in the presents and the selfishness of the holiday and how it is overly commercialized.

After he said this, I really had to think about why I liked Christmas so much. I'm not going to lie, I love giving people presents. I loved doing all of my favorite Christmas traditions so much so I forget why we even celebrate Christmas in the first place. We celebrate Christmas because God loved us so much that He sent His son for us. It reminds me of a Charlie Brown Christmas. The whole theme of that movie is reminding us of the very same thing. I think Linus said it best of all.

"Linus: "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"
[Linus picks up his blanket and walks back towards Charlie Brown]
Linus: That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."
So this Christmas I'm going to hold my family and friends a little closer and enjoy spending time with them.  I'm resolving not to get so wrapped up in the presents that I forget what Christmas is really about. God's love for us.

Dancing Queen

It's been a while. Lately I have been lacking the creative juices plus my immune system does not seem to like me. Que sera, sera.

I really like to Zumba. It's dancing, it's a workout , and I don't have to be walking or running on a treadmill feeling like the monotony is going to be the death of me. Zumba at my gym is offered a few days a week but I can only go to the Tuesday morning class since I don't work Tuesdays.

Let me just paint a picture of the Tuesday morning class for you. The average age in there is probably mid 40s. I'm the youngest in there by a good ten years. You have one lady in her mid 60s walk up to the instructor mid song and just start grinding on her. Then you have another lady who at random times yells out "WOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" and then theres a 90 year old who is workin it. And when I say working it, I mean it.  Needless to say, this class is pretty entertaining. You can just tell that they are having a blast dancing like nobody is watching.

Maybe it's the endorphins but these ladies seem like they are loving every single minute of life. They are having fun and letting loose. It's such a nice reminder for me midweek that it's good to let your hair down sometimes. Life is way too short to be serious all of the time and sometimes I need to remember that. One of Tyler's favorite quotes was:

"you shouldnt take life too seriously you can never get out alive"-van wilder

Hope.

I went to church with my parents yesterday and I absolutely loved the sermon he preached. I was going to write a whole post about it but I just wasn't doing it justice. He spoke about hope. About having hope even during times where it seems hopeless. Obviously, it really resonated with me. It reminded me  that when Tyler passed away, having hope helped me during those early days of grieving.

I highly highly recommend you check it out.
http://fbca.org/sermonarchive?sermon_id=58

SelfCare

So yesterday was nuts. Thursdays usually are but yesterday in particular drained me physically and emotionally. I had the most intense session I've experienced in my short time counseling. I was helping my client with her anger. Out of nowhere, all my personal emotions came up regarding Tyler. After Tyler's death I was so angry. I know that's a stage of grief but it's the main thing I had to work through. I was so angry at things I couldn't control. I remember buying boxing gloves and a mat and just beating the crap out of it. So if you're angry and need to let it out, let me know and you can borrow my stuff. Believe me, it feels good. 

Anyways, I was talking to my supervisor about it. She knows about Tyler so I was telling her how that session brought up some things for me emotionally because I was identifying with my client so much. My supervisor without blinking an eye asks me, "So how are you going to take care of yourself tonight?". Man I needed to hear that. While I'm at my internship, I go non-stop but when I got home last night I was drained. I took care of myself by taking a bubble bath, drinking a glass of wine, and writing in my journal. 

We work so hard as a culture. We set high expectations for ourselves and do everything in our power to achieve them. What we're bad at as a culture? Taking care of ourselves along the way. Usually we use the excuse "I don't have time". You do have time. Take five minutes and pet your dog or stretch. Drink a hot cup of tea. If you have longer, go exercise or take a bath. Write. Read. Watch a corny movie. Treat yourself to whatever you enjoy that clears your mind. Treat yourself especially after you've had a long day or week or month but also try to take care of yourself everyday. You deserve it. 

Postsecret

This entry is basically going to be a shout out to another blog. I'm sure most of you have heard of this website before but I absolutely love Postsecret.com. Emily introduced it to me a few years ago and I have been reading it ever since.

People mail in their secrets from all over the world and every sunday the publisher picks a few to put on the website. He also has books and speaking tours. If you go to a bookstore and open a postsecret book, sometimes there will even be some secrets in there. Usually they look like this. I pinned this one to my pinterest account because I loved it.

The secrets range from heartbreaking to happy. They are raw, real, and utterly human. It connects people on a deeper level. People are able to see that some people share their secrets that they aren't alone in their battles. Some people even send in encouraging responses to secrets that get posted. I think it helps remind us that everyone has their demons but everyone has their empathy, kindness, and goodness within them too. Plus, they are an advocate for International Suicide Prevention. I highly recommend checking it out sometime if you haven't. Warning: it can be raunchy at times. I guess that's part of the human-ness of it?

And of course, favorite quote of the week so far:

Knowing when to call it

So I had my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday. I only had two so I figured it would be no big deal. I thought I could take it easy and then go to my internship on Wednesday. I went on Wednesday and yea I was swollen but I thought I would be fine. Thursday I woke up and was in pain but stubbornly decided to go to my internship again. I mean I HAD to get my hours right?

Well, halfway through my day Thursday my jaw was throbbing and it brought tears to my eyes just attempting to open my mouth to put the spoon in. Needless to say, I got sent home from my internship and didn't go to class that night. I got home and I just cried. I was frustrated, scared, exhausted, and in pain. I went in to the doctor today and it turns out my socket was infected. I'm going to save the gory details. I'm already feeling better. I've gotten a couple of good lessons from all of this though.

Lesson number one: Take care of yourself. I was so hyper focused on getting my hours that I didn't stop to take care of myself. If I had taken the day off on Wednesday, then I would have felt better. If I had taken the time to do my rinses and put ice on my socket then I could have avoided the infection all together.

Lesson number two: Never be afraid to let people take care of you. I was trying so hard to tough it up and not let any one see my weakness. I wanted to show I was strong. When I finally let my parents know how bad I was hurting, there was already a huge relief. I'm so thankful they were there and around to help take care of me.

Salt water also helps to cure sockets. Just FYI.

Saw this quote the other day and just had to share it. Love it! 

Grateful.

It's amazing what a difference a year makes. It's Thanksgiving and I had a really good day. I was thinking about it today actually. Of course, I still feel that hole in my heart with Tyler's absence. Of course, there's a noticeable absence where there's a ton of leftover cranberry sauce and nobody is playing football with me. I realized something today. Thing is, God has been at work before I was even born patching the hole that He knew was going to be there for me one day. 

Is it a perfect fix? No. If it was a perfect fix, that would mean Tyler was here. But I realized today that it's a pretty good repair. It's amazing how much I feel the growth and difference in my life from a year ago. A year ago I was broken, sad, lost. My world had been shattered right in front of me. I had no idea how I was going to face the holidays.

 God works in such mysterious ways. He's been at work putting people in my life. I have life long friends, new friends, and family who love me, hold me, support me, make me laugh, and bring light into my life. Do they bring Tyler back for me? Of course not. But altogether, they make a pretty good patch over my heart.  And for that I'm eternally grateful. I love each and everyone dearly. You know who you are! 

"I truly believe that we can measure how good of a life we have by the amount of love we bring into it."-Tyler 

Quote Monday

Happy Thanksgiving week! I have been wanting to blog the past couple of days but have found myself lacking creativity. Hopefully with a few days off, I will be refreshed and my creativity will return! Until then I thought I would leave you with some of my favorite quotes I've pulled off Pinterest lately.

I'm a really big fan of Mumford & Sons so I thought I would also post some lyrics of a couple of my favorite songs. 

So when your hopes are on fire
But you know your desire
Don't hold a glass over the flame
Don't let your heart grow cold
I will call you by name
I will share your road
Hold me fast, Hold me fast
Cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer
Hold me fast, Hold me fast
Cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the sky I wander
I will learn, I will learn to love the sky I wander
The sky I wander
(Hopeless Wanderer)

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

Awake my soul
Awake my soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
And you were made to meet your maker
(Awake my Soul)

If I don't post again until after Thanksgiving, have a wonderful Turkey day! Don't eat too much. I heard on the radio that the average american consumes 4500 calories. Yikes Bikes. I encourage y'all to remember why we celebrate this holiday. Give thanks, treasure your loved ones around you, and take a breather! 

New Adventures

Part of the reason I started this blog is to share about how I'm following my brother's advice and living life to the fullest. Lately though, I haven't had any grand adventures. To quote Up! I know all of life is a grand adventure but I feel lately like I haven't done anything exciting.

The other day, Grandad talked about how he wanted to go hunting. I thought about it and I decided it was something I wanted to try. Now, maybe it was a way for me to feel connected to Tyler since hunting was one of his favorite things to do, maybe it was because I wanted to make him proud. Part of me wanted to try something new and another part of me wanted to see if I could do it. Nevertheless I announced to all of my family members that are hunters that I, Courtney Elise Johnson, wanted to learn how to shoot a rifle and go hunting.

As expected, my dad didn't believe me. He knows his daughter is an absolute girly girl and an animal lover. So when I was begging him to take me to the rifle range, my parents asked me "What changed?". I had to think about it. But then all those reasons I mentioned earlier came to me. Reluctantly my dad told me he would take me but if I shot anything I would have to clean it. (We'll see about that) He agreed to take me to the rifle range and taught me how to shoot.  It scared the crap out of me. I had no idea rifles were so big and loud. The first time I shot it, I was shaking like a leaf but then I got more comfortable and finally relaxed.

After I sighted the rifle in, I got a couple of bulls eyes. Plus a really nasty bruise on my shoulder. I was ready to go. I felt confident. It was an "I am woman hear me roar" type of moment. I was ready to hunt.

Grandad took me down to my great uncle's ranch last night to go hunting. It was so wonderful to be back there. It is absolutely relaxing and peaceful. It was Tyler's favorite place. As we were walking out to the blind, I just felt so empowered. I had a rifle on my shoulder and knew how to use it. I felt like if there was a zombie apocalypse, I would be ready to defend myself. (These are the thoughts running through my head). We sat in the blind last night and early this morning. We didn't see anything to shoot. I was disappointed but I was proud of myself for going and knowing what I was doing. I loved learning something new and going out and trying it. I'm hoping to go back out in a couple of weekends to try my luck again. I accomplished everything I wanted to do. I felt connected to Tyler, I feel like he would've been proud of me, I tried something new, and I know I can do it. Plus I got to watch this wonderful sunrise and spend some quality time with family. What more could I ask for?!

I encourage you to go try something new. Step out of your comfort zone. You CAN do it!

Thankful.

Because I like hopping onto the bandwagon with cute ideas, I started doing the thankful project this week. Basically, every day you post on some social media what you are thankful for until Thanksgiving.
I'm posting on twitter what I'm thankful for. Here are my tweets so far (I started a few days late):

Thankful for: the 20 year friendship I shared with my brother. Miss him like crazy every single day but I know he's up in heaven watching over us! http://instagr.am/p/Ru9eRRTcxF/ 
Thankful for: being able to live in a country where I'm able to let my voice be heard. praying for our country & the future leaders tonight!
Thankful for: my bffl @emo216 who is has been more like a sister through the good times and the bad! Loves ya girl!
Thankful for: my parents who have loved me unconditionally and have put up with me for the past two years so i wont be broke and in debt.

I think it is so nice to take a second every day and think about what you're thankful for. The first day I sat down to think about what I was thankful for, I didn't even know where to start. I have so many things to be thankful for. It was really humbling. I think as a society we hyper focus on the bad and take for granted the good. I have really big things to be thankful for like my family but then there are the little things that I'm thankful for too like having a little bit of money left on my Starbucks gift card or that the sun is shining. 

Even if you are that person who is way too cool to hop on the bandwagon, I encourage you to take a second every day to be thankful. You don't have to post about it, just think about it. It's surprising how many things you can think of. It's certainly helping me to focus more on the positive things rather than the negative. Positivity can make any day a little brighter. 

She took a deep breath and let it go.

You know what I think is probably the easiest piece of advice to give? "It'll all work out." or "God has a plan." And I truly believe those things. I believe that things work out sometimes not in the way we expect them to, but usually in a completely different but better way. And I whole-heartedly believe that God has a plan for my life. You know what else? I think those two phrases are probably the hardest pieces of advice to accept. To just accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it right now. For me, it fuels my anxiety rather than giving me peace until I accept it.

I'll be completely honest. I hit my meltdown point yesterday. I have been stressing for weeks about things that I absolutely can not control. For example, I was stressing about whether or not I would get my hours for graduation. I have absolutely no control on whether or not my client show for their appointments. I mean I could kidnap and drag them there, but then I would be in jail and definitely not graduating. All of this useless anxiety weighed me down so that yesterday I just realized I couldn't keep carrying it anymore. It was too heavy.

I'm hoping next time I'm carrying around a lot of anxiety about things I can't control, that I will become more aware of it before the meltdown. They aren't fun. I hope I can take a piece of my own advice and remember that it'll work out. In the big scheme of things, my worries are trivial compared to others and I'm thankful for that.

"When You Stop Growing, You Start Dying"

"When you stop growing, you start dying"-that is one of my favorite things Grandad has ever said to me. We are constantly growing, changing, and learning. I think it is easy for our growth to sneak up on us. Most of our growth and change are little things that happen very slowly. Because of my work, I have the privilege of experiencing others' growth and change. Over a few sessions, I see my clients taking steps toward their goals and growth. It is absolutely one of my favorite things to watch. I got to experience that today as well. One of my brother's friends is back from his mission to Costa Rica and he invited us to his church where he spoke about his trip. As he was up there speaking, I was amazed at the growth I saw. I hadn't seen him in two years so his growth was so evident. I could really tell the time spent there was a time of maturity, where he strengthened his faith and shared his faith.

Growth can be so deceptive. We can go through life just thinking it's another boring Monday but then a few years pass and you realize you aren't the same person you were three years ago.The other day I was going through old cards and letter and I found a letter I had written to myself when I was 15 years old. As I was reading (and laughing) it was evident to me how much I've grown in nine years. I'm not the same girl who was timid and adjusting to high school consumed with the dramas of a fifteen year old.  I've also always been one to journal (which I highly recommend by the way-it's good for the soul) I looked back at posts from a few years ago and I remembered where I was at that point in my life and what lessons I was learning at the time. It can be a huge eye opener.

Each experience that we have in life whether big or small helps our growth. We figure out who we want to be, what we want to stand for, and what direction we want to go. I think the trick is just being aware and conscious of our growth and the person we're becoming. Feed your soul. Grow and become something. Never stop striving. Just make sure you like the person you're becoming.

TGIF

I don't know about y'all, but I am so glad it is Friday. Although it was my full intention to post today, my brain has already shut down for the day. So instead I thought I would just share quotes that I have liked lately. Enjoy!

Counseling humor anyone?

Hope y'all enjoyed those! Have a wonderful weekend! 

Take a breather.

Well I don't know about everyone else, but I've been an absolute stress ball lately. I feel as though I've been going 90 to nothing for the past several weeks. I'm enjoying my internship so much and I've been busy with a lot of fun things but it still has been producing a lot of stress in my life. It's the kind of stress where you can't turn your mind off even when you have a chance to yourself.

As I've gotten older, I have become able to recognize my signs that I'm stressed. I have headaches, I don't sleep well at night, I get irritable, etc. Well this weekend all of those things just started piling up on me.

Luckily on Sunday, I had absolutely nothing on my calendar. So guess what I did? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Minus having a friday night lights marathon in my sweats while cuddling my dogs. It was marvelous. Today I can luckily say that I'm refreshed and ready to conquer my to do list and this week with a newfound energy.

I can get so wrapped up in this busy fast paced world with my focus on conquering to do lists that I need to take time for me. I have the type of personality that I need alone time. I need time to relax and rejuvenate or I will be not fun to be around.

I encourage you to know yourself, know your body, your personality and if it is telling you to relax then relax! Even if you think you don't have time. Make time for yourself. Get extra sleep. Lay on the couch. Once you take some time for yourself, you'll have more time for your to-do list.

Courtesy of SELF magazine

I need to take a lesson from Sully on how to relax. 

Sully helped my dad celebrate his birthday.