Happy Birthday Tyler

So today would've been Tyler's 22nd birthday. I can't get over  how old we all seem to be getting. Anyways, after Tyler passed away, my family decided that we would take off each year and be with each other. Today we went up to the cemetery and fixed the flowers (we try to keep live ones there) and then we went on up to Winstar to gamble.

I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it was just to spend the day with my parents. While it may be a sad day, it is also a day where we get to celebrate. Celebrate the amazing life Tyler had on this planet and the remarkable impact he made on so many people around him. We also got to celebrate our family. I am so so blessed to be a part of a family that consistently throughout the years made an effort to spend time with each other and truly enjoy each other.

I think it is something I take for granted a lot of times. I mean I was born into a family where my entire extended family is right here in the DFW metroplex (I'm including Jacksboro in the metroplex so to speak). I feel so lucky to be able to be so close to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
Not only that, I was born into a pretty awesome nuclear family. I have countless precious memories of spending time with them. Laughing, crying, having heart to hearts with every single one of them.

Today was just a reminder. Life is so precious. I'm so thankful to say that I had an amazing bond with my brother. I think we were able to jam amazing memories into 20 shorts years of friendship that a lot of brothers and sisters don't ever do.

If you're able to, hug your loved ones a little closer today. Family is a precious gift that I think a lot of people take for granted.

Are we there yet?!

I'll be the first to admit, whenever anyone mentions a road trip I am usually all for it. Just imagining how fun it'll be. Singing along to the radio, stopping at new and exciting places, etc. But every time I do go on a road trip I get three hours in to it and wonder why did I think this was a good idea?

I have to admit, that's kinda how I am on my personal journey right now to be honest. I'm tired and I think I've gone a great distance but I'm also humbled by the fact that I have a very long way to go and the truth is, I'll never get there. This whole life is a never ending journey.

I was humbled by this notion a couple of nights ago when I just had an absolute meltdown. Like an ugly crying meltdown. And while I was talking about it, I was reminded about how many areas of my life I need to work on. It was annoying yet cathartic all at the same time.

I have been running around the past month feeling like I need to prove things to people and prove things to myself. I put a tremendous pressure on myself and just admitting that the other night took such a weight off. Working through this issue is going to be a long journey in itself and hopefully I will remind myself of that idea when I feel like I'm never going to get there.

The first step in a journey can be an exciting one. But it can also be a scary one. But I think what's even harder than taking a first step in a journey is to not get discouraged or give up when you hit a speed bump. Life is full of speed bumps. But I think it is how you handle the speed bumps that make for good stories at the end of your journey. Honestly, I'm at a speed bump right now. Feeling a tad bit discouraged and as I would say "in a funk" but I know just the awareness of the problem is the first step. And right now, that's good enough for me.

Keep on Dreamin

This a post that I've been a little hesitant to write. For me, it is super personal and I wasn't sure if I was ready to share or not but I've finally decided that I do want to share.

For those that know me really well, know that I have really vivid dreams. Usually, they are just bizarre. For example, dreaming I was on a pontoon boat. Can anyone guess what song I was listening to before I went to bed?! Anyways, sometimes I have a dream that really shakes me and I know there is something behind it.

About a month ago, I had two of those significant dreams back to back. Now because it does feel personal for me to share, I'm only going to give a quick summary of the dream. Basically I was at a big family lunch and Tyler was there and I was absolutely shocked he was there but I was so happy. Then all of sudden it was time to go and Tyler just vanished. In my dream I was absolutely devastated and crying and wondering why he had to leave so soon. Then in my dream I heard a voice. It was a deep fatherly voice that said, "Have faith in Me. I have a plan. You will understand one day. Trust in Me." I knew it was God in my dream. Then I woke up.

As you can imagine, I was pretty shaken up but I also knew that this was a significant dream. One that's going to stick with me for the rest of my life. One that made me re-examine my priorities and my journey. One that still has me re-playing parts of it.

If you are a person who has vivid dreams, I encourage you to pay attention to them. Regardless of where you think they come from, they are worth paying attention to. They may help you realize the root cause of what you're stressing about or thinking about. I think dreams are fascinating and I'm so thankful I am able to dream and remember them. Those dreams I had will stick with me forever and be a constant reminder for me.

What are your dreams telling you? As Eli Young Band would say, "Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart."

Five Freedoms

Now, I know I post a lot about what I learned from my classes or a quote I like. The thing is though, the program I'm in has not only let me grow academically but personally as well. My classes challenge me to expand my worldview. While I'm learning other people's views on how to help people, I try to see if I agree or disagree. In doing so, it allows me to examine my life and what I need to work on and how I want to work on it.

That being said, I learned about this woman named Virginia Satir and she came up with five freedoms that every human should allow themselves. I thought they were wonderful so I thought I would share them.

The freedom to see and hear what is here, instead of what should be, was, or will be.

The freedom to say what you feel and think, instead of what you should.

The freedom to feel what you feel, instead of what you ought.

The freedom to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.

The freedom to take risks in your own behalf, instead of choosing to be only “secure” and not rocking the boat.

Often times, we are so bogged down by what we think we "should" do that we end up not doing what is best for us. Sometimes we let society or other people dictate our actions too much. Society tells us, especially boys, to "man up" and get over it. Plus on top of that if you're a people pleaser like me, we don't do what we really need to do because we are too afraid of how it will affect everyone around us. 

Now does that mean going around with absolutely no regard for anyone's thoughts or feelings? Nope. I think it is important while granting yourself these freedoms to always think about what the outcome of your actions will be. If it is going to do more harm to others than good to ourselves, then we may need to reconsider. 

I think I'm going to take Virginia's advice and grant myself some freedom. Freedom to do what's best for me. To allow myself to be mad, sad, happy, confused and sit with it for a little while. Freedom to take some risks I've been too afraid to try and freedom to be a little more selfish with my thoughts, feelings, and actions. 

It is wonderful to want to help people and put others first before ourselves. But at times, we have to help ourselves and take care of ourselves. We need to allow ourselves the freedom to do so. It's like the oxygen mask metaphor, you have to take care of yourself before helping someone else. It seems selfish but in the end, it can be for the best.

Life Lessons from Some of my Favorite People

I don't know about y'all but I'm so glad it's Friday! Today for my post I thought I would change it up and do something a little different.

When I was a sophomore in high school I was in health class and for an assignment we had to choose five people close to us to write us a letter and seal it in a envelope and the teacher would mail it to us in five years.  I also had to write a letter to myself. Such an awesome assignment. Sure enough, a few years later I got the letters. I was rereading them the other day and was reminded of how blessed I am to be surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and are full of wisdom. I was also reminded how ridiculous I was at 15. My letter to myself didn't even make sense. Figures. I guess I thought it was important at the time.

I thought today I would share some of the wisdom they told me in their letters (with their permission of course). 

First is from my daddy.

"As you begin to make your way on your own, never forget who you are at the core of your being, and don't let anyone change that. Be confident in yourself. Be bold, let people get close to you. And don't be afraid to take risks because if you never take chances, you never win big!" 

Next is from Emily who wasn't sure if we would still be in touch. HA. 

"I will always be here for you with open ears, an open heart, a shoulder to lend for tears, and a big hug and anything else you ever need! Smile! Ps-so yea, it being 5 years or so, I may not have heard your voice in a while so call!"

Next is from my Nana.

"Just remember how special you are and that you can accomplish anything you set your mind upon. Always believe in yourself, but be sure to put God first in everything. He will never fail you. My advice to you is to talk to God daily and ask him to direct you."

Next is from my mommy. (Yea, I still call her mommy.)

"Keep your goals in focus set them high, but not too high. Believe in yourself. It's amazing what a smile on your face and a little lipstick will do. Talk to God often and keep Him close. Keep in touch with the people who love you. Be neat and organized. Don't procrastinate. Talk to people and be friendly. Let people get close to you. And most of all, know how very much your mother loves you!"

The final letter was from Grandad. It's very rare for us to get a written note from him so I cherish this one so much.

"I can give you advice, but that would assume I have wisdom. As for wisdom, here are some of the things I've learned from living a long time:

      You never finish (or at least you shouldn't) your education. When you stop growing, you start dying. Get all the formal education you can. 

      Read! Both fiction and non fiction-great mental exercise.

      Cultivate a hobby you enjoy that will keep you mentally and physically in good shape.

      Whenever trouble arises, and it will, remember you are loved both by your family and the Lord.

     Cultivate a habit of prayer, which is a conversation with your friend and savior. Isn't is remarkable that the Creator of the universe will listen!"

That last line is my favorite. Some of these, I have accomplished but some I need to re-focus on. Probably the procrastination one especially since I'm procrastinating now by writing this. Sorry mommy. 

I am a very blessed girl. This is just some of the family and friends that I'm surrounded by on a daily basis who support me. I love each and every one of you so much. Thank you for everything you've done and have yet to do! 

Go have a fabulous weekend! 

Spreading Cheer

I just started my internship and on Saturdays I have to work from 9-3. And of course as Saturday morning rolled around yesterday I was just a tad bit grumpy that I had to go into work on a Saturday. Crazy I know. As I strolled in yesterday morning coffee in hand the receptionist that works on the weekend said "Well hi Miss Courtney!!! I'm so glad to see you! I see you have a coffee but I have a fresh pot of coffee brewing if you want a cup"

Almost immediately it brought a smile to my face. First of all, he remembered my name even though I've only met him once. Second of all, he was so warm, kind, and genuinely pleased to see me. Third of all, he had coffee going.  How could that not make me smile?!

I admire this man so much. He spends his evenings and weekends working there even though he his retired. From my desk I can hear him greeting each client and their parents by name asking how everything is going and when they leave saying "God bless" on the way out. This man could be laying on a beach somewhere just watching the waves roll in and taking some time for himself. Instead, he spends his time giving to others.

From time to time, I think or hear people say "What's this world coming to?" "Are there any good people left?" "This isn't how people used to treat each other." And that just puts responsibility on other people and not on ourselves.

You don't need money, or the means to go to a third world country, or even need to buy a pair of Toms. All of those things are wonderful to do for this planet and serves a lot of people. Sometimes, we think so big that we forget all the little things we can do to bring good to people around us. A smile, a greeting, a small gesture, a conversation to get to know someone, volunteering our time to those around us, all of these things can bring a little light into somebody's life.

That man yesterday completely turned my day around by that greeting. I could have been sulky all day but instead I was a little happier and didn't mind Saturday so much. Never forget how much good you can do by just doing little things. Little things eventually add up to big things.