Therapy

As I've written this blog, I've talked about may different types of therapy that have been helpful since starting this journey through grief to self discovery/growth/empowerment. 

And all of them have served their purpose. Most of you know I'm not a big talker. Mainly because I can't verbally express all of the feelings and thoughts I have in a way that I feel portrays them accurately. So I found different ways to express the feelings bottling up inside of me.  In the first few months after losing Tyler, I was so angry at everything. I knew I needed to punch something so I got some MMA type gloves and a punching shield thing (Sorry I'm not up on my MMA terminology). I got my dad to hold the shield while I literally beat the crap of it for as long as I physically could. On intensely sad days, I would paint. On days I felt inspired, I would write. And my counselor helped me along the way. I would trust myself and what I needed to do and I started feeling better. I grew. I processed my grief and while it's always going to be a journey, I'm a lot closer than where I was. 

So let's flash forward to the past couple of months. I'm busy. Very very busy. My evenings are booked up and I have one day off a week. I also got diagnosed with Celiac disease (yay genetics) and have been attempting to make that lifestyle change. And while, I feel like I finally have a good grasp on my schedule, I can tell you truthfully that a lot of times I feel drained. But in the midst of all the craziness, I inadvertently found a new therapy for this season in my life. I started exercising. 

Before I would drag my butt to the gym mainly because I knew I should. But for the past couple of months, there has been a shift. It's no longer a chore but an excitement. I know that I'm about to carve out an hour for myself just to let my mind rest. Maybe I've started enjoying it more because I can channel all of my frustration and anxiety into exercise rather than letting it bottle up. Maybe I also enjoy feeling strong and in control when the rest of my life feels a little chaotic right now. Whatever the reason, I'm thankful because I know it has helped me find balance and peace during a time of change and hectic-ness. 

Now don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a blog where I post selfies of me flexing in the mirror or posting my workout of the day. (I'm terrible at taking selfies and am pretty clueless of the new "it" workout.)But I will encourage you to go and find your own type of therapy. Maybe it's actual counseling, exercising, or coffee with a  friend. We're all living our own story and are in different seasons of life. So trust your gut and most importantly, take care of yourself. 

Attitude Adjustment

So I'm slowing emerging from my hermit status and attempting to adjust to my new schedule with both of my jobs.

Let me tell you though, I was overwhelmed. And not very much fun to be around. And that happened for a lot of reasons. Number one is that I tend to be a perfectionist and want to be good at something automatically and beat myself up if I'm not. I was also tired since my work hours are different than I've ever worked. Most of all, it was change. And a lot of times, it is hard to adjust to any type of change.

My parents & roomie heard a lot of my complaining. "I don't like not being good at it yet." "I'm so tired." "I don't know why I'm in a bad mood, I just am OK?" "I'm just so stressed."

Finally my mom had to bust out the tough love. "I think you expect to be rich without working hard." That first convo didn't go over so well. I'm going to go ahead and blame the fact I was drink de-caffeinated coffee without knowing it for two days. (Just a teensy bit irritable.) Y'all can thank Emily for pointing that one out for me.

The second convo went over better and it was just a simple text from my mom. "I've come to find that if you expect you will have a bad day, you usually do." Dang it. She's right again. When am I going to learn that my mother is pretty much right about everything?

Instead of dwelling how I'm not good at it yet, I can choose to instead think what a huge learning experience it is. I can think about how I am luckily to have jobs and am able to pay my bills. I can remind myself that I just have to be better at scheduling my time with friends and self care time. And lastly, I can think about how I will adjust to the change and it is a season of my life that is not only necessary but useful for my growth as a counselor.

So here's to a new attitude. And embracing this time in my life. And last but not least, here's to caffeinated coffee.

Overanalyzing

So I overanalyze most things. It's a problem. Not just overanalyze I also over think things. For example, if you normally text me with smiley faces and emojis and then one day you don't, I might think to myself..."Oh no! I wonder if I did something? Are they mad at me?" and of course 9 times out of 10 they just typed something to me quickly and meant nothing by it. 

I tell you this because I've been doing it a lot lately with Tyler's birthday coming up on Saturday. I have not really discussed my grieving process on this blog mainly because my grief was so intensely personal and private to me. And that's ok. And I've grieved for my brother and if you consider losing my brother like a wound, I feel as though I have enough scar tissue that it doesn't hurt as bad anymore. I consider that healing taking place. 

These past few days when I have talked to family members they say that Saturday (Tyler's birthday) will be hard. So of course I start overanalyzing and think, "Man, I'm not feeling super sad. I was looking forward to going out to the cemetery and spending the day with family. Should I be sadder? What's wrong with me?" So on and so forth. 

And in these moments, I have to step back and remind myself of the truths I know. I know I miss my brother incredibly much. I know that I have random sad days and just because I'm not sad on his birthday does not make me a bad sister or love him any less. I know that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know that he's in a place where there is no more sadness, brokenness, or hurting. And I also know that my journey is different than everyone else's. I know that my grief is different than theirs and I cannot overanalyze or over think it. I need to trust the process. And most importantly, I know that I'm healing and growing and I couldn't ask for more. 

So if you yourself are grieving or know someone that is, I encourage not to compare and not to over think it. Just be supportive. Love them where they're at in their journey, and trust that the Lord is healing their heart the way it needs to be healed for them uniquely. Most importantly, have faith in the journey. Because everyone's is different. 

Grace.

Friends,
I apologize for my hermit status. I started a second job that takes up a lot of brain cells and energy. And I'm attempting to give myself some grace to adjust to it. Because it takes a lot more energy expecting to do it all and be perfect at the same time than it does to take a deep breath step back and give myself time to adjust. I learned that the hard way.

So now, I'm sitting outside on this beautiful fall day and fingers aren't typing out want my brain wants to say. And instead of fretting about it I'm going to let it go and soak up the rest of the day before I have to get ready for work. Hopefully I'll have a real post soon but for now, quotes will have to suffice. :)

Perspective

So I don't like Mondays. Aside from the obvious reasons, I also spend the day at home working and getting ready for the week.  I feel like I'm the only one at home. (which I know isn't true) And although I'm working, I feel super antsy being in the house. Probably because I have so many other distractions. (Chrissy, coffee, etc)

And today is no different. I was sitting at my computer attempting to get some work done but I found myself completely unable to sit still. I finally decided to take a break and read a book for a while. I went outside and sighed because my backyard isn't super pretty yet. Eventually I plan to make it pretty but right now all I have is a big storage shed and a nice view of my neighborhood's backyard. I began to read then decided to lay down on the bench we have in the backyard.

The view from this direction was incredible. At least to me. I immediately put my book down. I realized that I was under the shade of a massive old tree. There was a soft breeze, just enough to make the leaves rustle. A butterfly fluttered by the branches. And I suddenly felt very small. I also felt like time had stopped and it helped me to finally sit still. And to be appreciative of my surroundings. I was all of a sudden incredibly grateful not to be stuck in a office but to be there in that exact moment taking a deep breath and appreciating the beauty of God's creation in my own (not pretty yet) backyard. It helped me gain some perspective. Not just in the literal sense but also in the metaphorical sense. It's a constant battle for me to slow down but I'm glad that I was able to take a break today, breathe deeply, and be grateful to be exactly where I am.

I find it incredibly helpful to gain different perspectives. I encourage you to try it too. It may just reaffirm your position or it may completely change your position. Either way seems helpful to me. Whether it is literally laying down and looking up instead of down or looking at your problem from a different angle, a new change of scenery could be refreshing.

My view laying down in my backyard

Make Believe

It's been a while since I've shared some of my favorite quotes that I've found recently. Quotes always make me smile. Hopefully these will make you smile too.

The first one I'm going to share is from the book "The Paris Wife" and I'm only three chapters in but I'm really enjoying it so far. It's about Ernest Hemingway's wife in the 1920s. This is how the second chapter began:

"There's a song from that time by Nora Bayes called 'Make Believe' which might have been the most lilting and persuasive treatise on self-delusion I'd ever heard. Nora Bayes was beautiful, and she sang with a trembling voice that told you she knew things about love. When she advised you to throw off all the old pain and worry and heartache and smile--well, you believed she'd done this herself. It wasn't a suggestion but a prescription...I felt it speaking directly to me: Make believe you are glad when you're sorry. Sunshine will follow the rain... I'd had my share of rain."

The chapter ends with this:
"--but there was a something new, too, a glimmer of potential. It was just possible the sun was on its way. In the meantime, I would hum Nora Bayes and do my damnedest to make believe." 

I can't really articulate exactly why that quote spoke to me so much. But it was one that stirred in my soul. The kind where it sits in your gut and simmers there while you mull it over. The kind where you feel a connection that someone out there gets it and understands. And can put those feelings into words when you can't. And those are my favorite kind.

Here are some more that I love as of late:

I hope you enjoyed those as much as I do. And if life gets busy, I hope you see the glimmer of potential that the sunshine is coming just like The Paris Wife says or, at least make believe.