Knowing when to call it

So I had my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday. I only had two so I figured it would be no big deal. I thought I could take it easy and then go to my internship on Wednesday. I went on Wednesday and yea I was swollen but I thought I would be fine. Thursday I woke up and was in pain but stubbornly decided to go to my internship again. I mean I HAD to get my hours right?

Well, halfway through my day Thursday my jaw was throbbing and it brought tears to my eyes just attempting to open my mouth to put the spoon in. Needless to say, I got sent home from my internship and didn't go to class that night. I got home and I just cried. I was frustrated, scared, exhausted, and in pain. I went in to the doctor today and it turns out my socket was infected. I'm going to save the gory details. I'm already feeling better. I've gotten a couple of good lessons from all of this though.

Lesson number one: Take care of yourself. I was so hyper focused on getting my hours that I didn't stop to take care of myself. If I had taken the day off on Wednesday, then I would have felt better. If I had taken the time to do my rinses and put ice on my socket then I could have avoided the infection all together.

Lesson number two: Never be afraid to let people take care of you. I was trying so hard to tough it up and not let any one see my weakness. I wanted to show I was strong. When I finally let my parents know how bad I was hurting, there was already a huge relief. I'm so thankful they were there and around to help take care of me.

Salt water also helps to cure sockets. Just FYI.

Saw this quote the other day and just had to share it. Love it! 

Grateful.

It's amazing what a difference a year makes. It's Thanksgiving and I had a really good day. I was thinking about it today actually. Of course, I still feel that hole in my heart with Tyler's absence. Of course, there's a noticeable absence where there's a ton of leftover cranberry sauce and nobody is playing football with me. I realized something today. Thing is, God has been at work before I was even born patching the hole that He knew was going to be there for me one day. 

Is it a perfect fix? No. If it was a perfect fix, that would mean Tyler was here. But I realized today that it's a pretty good repair. It's amazing how much I feel the growth and difference in my life from a year ago. A year ago I was broken, sad, lost. My world had been shattered right in front of me. I had no idea how I was going to face the holidays.

 God works in such mysterious ways. He's been at work putting people in my life. I have life long friends, new friends, and family who love me, hold me, support me, make me laugh, and bring light into my life. Do they bring Tyler back for me? Of course not. But altogether, they make a pretty good patch over my heart.  And for that I'm eternally grateful. I love each and everyone dearly. You know who you are! 

"I truly believe that we can measure how good of a life we have by the amount of love we bring into it."-Tyler 

Quote Monday

Happy Thanksgiving week! I have been wanting to blog the past couple of days but have found myself lacking creativity. Hopefully with a few days off, I will be refreshed and my creativity will return! Until then I thought I would leave you with some of my favorite quotes I've pulled off Pinterest lately.

I'm a really big fan of Mumford & Sons so I thought I would also post some lyrics of a couple of my favorite songs. 

So when your hopes are on fire
But you know your desire
Don't hold a glass over the flame
Don't let your heart grow cold
I will call you by name
I will share your road
Hold me fast, Hold me fast
Cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer
Hold me fast, Hold me fast
Cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the sky I wander
I will learn, I will learn to love the sky I wander
The sky I wander
(Hopeless Wanderer)

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

Awake my soul
Awake my soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
And you were made to meet your maker
(Awake my Soul)

If I don't post again until after Thanksgiving, have a wonderful Turkey day! Don't eat too much. I heard on the radio that the average american consumes 4500 calories. Yikes Bikes. I encourage y'all to remember why we celebrate this holiday. Give thanks, treasure your loved ones around you, and take a breather! 

New Adventures

Part of the reason I started this blog is to share about how I'm following my brother's advice and living life to the fullest. Lately though, I haven't had any grand adventures. To quote Up! I know all of life is a grand adventure but I feel lately like I haven't done anything exciting.

The other day, Grandad talked about how he wanted to go hunting. I thought about it and I decided it was something I wanted to try. Now, maybe it was a way for me to feel connected to Tyler since hunting was one of his favorite things to do, maybe it was because I wanted to make him proud. Part of me wanted to try something new and another part of me wanted to see if I could do it. Nevertheless I announced to all of my family members that are hunters that I, Courtney Elise Johnson, wanted to learn how to shoot a rifle and go hunting.

As expected, my dad didn't believe me. He knows his daughter is an absolute girly girl and an animal lover. So when I was begging him to take me to the rifle range, my parents asked me "What changed?". I had to think about it. But then all those reasons I mentioned earlier came to me. Reluctantly my dad told me he would take me but if I shot anything I would have to clean it. (We'll see about that) He agreed to take me to the rifle range and taught me how to shoot.  It scared the crap out of me. I had no idea rifles were so big and loud. The first time I shot it, I was shaking like a leaf but then I got more comfortable and finally relaxed.

After I sighted the rifle in, I got a couple of bulls eyes. Plus a really nasty bruise on my shoulder. I was ready to go. I felt confident. It was an "I am woman hear me roar" type of moment. I was ready to hunt.

Grandad took me down to my great uncle's ranch last night to go hunting. It was so wonderful to be back there. It is absolutely relaxing and peaceful. It was Tyler's favorite place. As we were walking out to the blind, I just felt so empowered. I had a rifle on my shoulder and knew how to use it. I felt like if there was a zombie apocalypse, I would be ready to defend myself. (These are the thoughts running through my head). We sat in the blind last night and early this morning. We didn't see anything to shoot. I was disappointed but I was proud of myself for going and knowing what I was doing. I loved learning something new and going out and trying it. I'm hoping to go back out in a couple of weekends to try my luck again. I accomplished everything I wanted to do. I felt connected to Tyler, I feel like he would've been proud of me, I tried something new, and I know I can do it. Plus I got to watch this wonderful sunrise and spend some quality time with family. What more could I ask for?!

I encourage you to go try something new. Step out of your comfort zone. You CAN do it!

Thankful.

Because I like hopping onto the bandwagon with cute ideas, I started doing the thankful project this week. Basically, every day you post on some social media what you are thankful for until Thanksgiving.
I'm posting on twitter what I'm thankful for. Here are my tweets so far (I started a few days late):

Thankful for: the 20 year friendship I shared with my brother. Miss him like crazy every single day but I know he's up in heaven watching over us! http://instagr.am/p/Ru9eRRTcxF/ 
Thankful for: being able to live in a country where I'm able to let my voice be heard. praying for our country & the future leaders tonight!
Thankful for: my bffl @emo216 who is has been more like a sister through the good times and the bad! Loves ya girl!
Thankful for: my parents who have loved me unconditionally and have put up with me for the past two years so i wont be broke and in debt.

I think it is so nice to take a second every day and think about what you're thankful for. The first day I sat down to think about what I was thankful for, I didn't even know where to start. I have so many things to be thankful for. It was really humbling. I think as a society we hyper focus on the bad and take for granted the good. I have really big things to be thankful for like my family but then there are the little things that I'm thankful for too like having a little bit of money left on my Starbucks gift card or that the sun is shining. 

Even if you are that person who is way too cool to hop on the bandwagon, I encourage you to take a second every day to be thankful. You don't have to post about it, just think about it. It's surprising how many things you can think of. It's certainly helping me to focus more on the positive things rather than the negative. Positivity can make any day a little brighter. 

She took a deep breath and let it go.

You know what I think is probably the easiest piece of advice to give? "It'll all work out." or "God has a plan." And I truly believe those things. I believe that things work out sometimes not in the way we expect them to, but usually in a completely different but better way. And I whole-heartedly believe that God has a plan for my life. You know what else? I think those two phrases are probably the hardest pieces of advice to accept. To just accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it right now. For me, it fuels my anxiety rather than giving me peace until I accept it.

I'll be completely honest. I hit my meltdown point yesterday. I have been stressing for weeks about things that I absolutely can not control. For example, I was stressing about whether or not I would get my hours for graduation. I have absolutely no control on whether or not my client show for their appointments. I mean I could kidnap and drag them there, but then I would be in jail and definitely not graduating. All of this useless anxiety weighed me down so that yesterday I just realized I couldn't keep carrying it anymore. It was too heavy.

I'm hoping next time I'm carrying around a lot of anxiety about things I can't control, that I will become more aware of it before the meltdown. They aren't fun. I hope I can take a piece of my own advice and remember that it'll work out. In the big scheme of things, my worries are trivial compared to others and I'm thankful for that.