Wanderlust

As many of you know, I flew up to the DC because my best friend of 21 years got engaged! I felt very lucky to be able to be part of the surprise and get to celebrate with her. Wahoo Emily and John!

I arrived on Thursday so I had all day Friday by myself before the proposal. I had two options, I could just hang at Evelynn's house or I could go explore a little bit. I decided to explore.

It's a strange feeling to be all by yourself in a city you don't know. No plans, no one's opinion for a plan, nothing. I tend to be pretty indecisive but exploring by yourself in a new city pretty much demands decisiveness.

Now don't get me wrong, I have a pretty good sense of direction and it wasn't my first time navigating a metro system. But on that Friday, I hopped the metro and decided to explore museums. It was a wonderful day. (I'm pretty good company if I do say so myself)

I think what I loved the most about it was the feeling of confidence I had. And it's a feeling that I hope to translate even when I'm in town and with friends and family. Relying less on validation from others and becoming even more confident in myself. In this day in age, it is really easy to depend more and more on validation from others. (Oh, I didn't get double digit likes on my Instagram, it must be a silly picture.) Not that I'm saying checking in with others is a bad thing. I know for me though, I'm going to find the balance of checking in with others but also be confident in my own decisions.


So here's to exploring, confidence, and living life to the fullest.
You gotta live, man.

Donuts &Swiss Cheese

For those of you who know me (or read my blog) know that I love a good metaphor. I use them a lot in counseling because sometimes it helps makes ideas more tangible.  One I especially enjoy, I learned from Dr. Landreth who encourages parents to "focus on the donut, not the hole!". Basically, don't hyper focus on what you have missing in your life so much so that you forget what you do have.

Sometimes, life feels less like a donut and more like swiss cheese. There are a lot of holes and things missing or that you wish were different in life. Because unfortunately sometimes life can be hard and it can seem overwhelming.

But what do we know about donuts and swiss cheese?
1. They are delicious.
2. Just because they have holes doesn't mean that they are damaged or aren't worth eating.
3. Did I mention they are delicious? Just maybe not together.


So in your pursuit of growth and self discovery, don't get so busy focusing on what's missing in life that you forget to see how valuable you are, just as you are. The Lord all made us beautifully unique. Those strengths and qualities that you have already are what hold you together. We can focus on those positive qualities and strengths in order for the holes or what we want to improve to seem less daunting.

Whether your life feels like a donut or more like swiss cheese, don't get so caught up focusing on what's missing that you don't see the good stuff right in front of you. Just like you wouldn't pass up a donut or swiss cheese because it has a hole, don't pass on yourself. Now, go carpe that diem.


(Sorry if I made you hungry because I am just writing this.)

Surfs up.

One time when I was in Hawaii, Tyler and I decided to swim in the ocean right off from our hotel. There were a lot of surfers out there but being 13 and 11 we didn't think much about it. So there we were, floating on our boogie boards (trying our hardest in our awkward years to be cool) and I see this massive wave approaching. I look over with wide eyes and asked Tyler "WHAT DO WE DO?!" He just looks at me and says "Start paddling!!" We start flailing our arms in hopes of out running the wave. Well, obviously we were two kids from Texas who knew nothing about surfing so of course the wave over takes us. And I'll never forget the feeling of being tossed in the wave. It flipped me, twisted me, turned me and held me under water for what felt like an eternity. But, I wasn't panicked in the least. It was oddly peaceful. And by not panicking, I could enjoy the chaos and the whir of the wave around me. While it felt like a lifetime, it was really only a few seconds. And by not trying to fight the wave, I arrived back on the beach where I probably needed to be.  The only damage that happened was that Tyler got his boogie board thrown at him by one of the good surfers because we messed up his wave. Sorry brah.

If I could describe my life right now I would describe that feeling. Life feels chaotic, busy, stressful. I know life is changing and moving in a million different directions. It at times feels overwhelming. And because of this, I feel somewhat disoriented. Pretty much the only thing in my control is me and my attitude towards the changes. I don't exactly know what all of these changes are or where I'll be but I know I don't need to fight the changes.  I need to stay calm and have a little faith that after riding it out, I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

So here's to letting go, having faith, and enjoying the ride. Surfs up.

Balancing Act

Well guys, last day of July. And I gotta tell ya, July wasn't so bad. I was sad and I missed Tyler, but I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I was shown throughout the month. I am so so blessed to have such a strong supportive community around me.

Speaking of support system, I was sitting at my community group last night and we got off on a tangent of busy-ness. We began discussing how it is so normal to constantly be doing something to the point of being overwhelmed and exhausted.

I think it is has become really easy for us to set a lot of really high expectations of ourselves. We are supposed to have successful important jobs, get married, have babies, be social with friends, stay fit, grow our own vegetables, only eat local/organic, have the cutest clothes, be really good at selfies (HA), have the cutest house, spend a whole sunday meal prepping for the entire month, I could go on and on.

And don't get me wrong, I think we can absolutely do it all. That is, if you really want to. I think the hardest thing to do, is staying balanced in the midst of it. To have a  really successful important job, you have to pour a lot of time and effort into it. So that may mean saying no to friend's invitations because you need to work/rest/etc or not having time to spend an entire day meal prepping for a month.

I feel like I am in the middle of learning this lesson. I have been pouring my heart and soul into growing my career and becoming the best counselor I can be. In the midst of it, I let other priorities slip. After some soul searching, I decided it was time to regain balance. So I'm in the process of discovering what I want on my plate, what's a priority, and what I can let go of. I love working out, it helps me stay sane. So that's going to stay on my plate. I would love to grow my own vegetables, but I don't have time and it's not a priority so maybe I'll stick to the good old grocery store. I think the trick too is taking care of ourselves in the midst of it all. As much as I love counseling, it can be draining at times. So spending time with my friends helps me re-fill my cup so I can pour into other people.

And I think that's the trick really. Evaluating what are the priorities and seeing if there are any modifications to make. And if modifications are needed, it doesn't mean you failed. It means you took care of yourself.

So here's to attempting to be superwoman. And giving myself grace if I can't quite do it all.

July Blues

So it's July.  I used to love July. It meant pool parties, fireworks, lake trips, and my favorite part, my birthday.

Now July just makes me sad. It reminds me of Tyler.  It reminds me of the worst day of my life. It reminds me of the worst phone call of my life. It reminds me of putting my brother into the ground and saying goodbye to him for the very last time. It reminds me of how people expect me to excited and celebrate when the only thing I want for my birthday is to see my brother. It reminds me of another year that has passed-one more year of not seeing him.

Every July it feels like the scar tissue around my heart gets torn off a little bit and I feel the raw hurt of losing Tyler so suddenly. It feels like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. A reminder that life is hard. Really hard. Reminder that we're all broken.

From that brokenness, I find strength. I'm still standing. I'm still growing. I'm still fighting. I find comfort from the Lord. On days where I feel like I want to go into panic mode wondering what I have done in these past three years, I remember picking up the pieces from losing someone and starting again is a feat in and of itself. I am not the same woman I was three years ago. And while I would give my left leg to have my brother back, I know that he's proud of me. I am strong. I am resilient. I will do my very best every day. And like a good friend reminded me last night, it's ok to not be ok all the time.

I'll close this sad post with something a little light hearted because I think that's the way Tyler would do it. The song I connect to most when I think of Tyler is P. Diddy's "I'll be missing you." I'm pretty sure Tyler would find it hilarious and appropriate. So here's one verse for ya, Tyler.


It's kinda hard with you not around
Know you in heaven smilin down
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I'll keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts Big I just can't define 
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
I still can't believe you're gone 
Give anything to hear half your breath 
I know you still living you're life, after death

Love yourself more.

A couple of posts ago, I discussed my process in being joyful in every season of life even when I'm ready for that season to be over.

So I'm still on that journey in finding contentment and joy no matter what life throws at you. Even if life is turning out way different than you thought/planned it would. What I've learned on this journey is that being content/joyful in all circumstances also means loving and respecting yourself flaws and all.  It's pretty hard to find contentment when you are drained and not taking care of yourself. It's easy to forget that healthy self worth is so much more than just knowing that it's on the inside that counts.

Self worth is:

1. Knowing what unique wonderful qualities you have that are all your own and utilizing them every day.

2. Knowing to say no to things you don't want to do and don't have to do. Your time is precious and using your free time to do things that make you happy isn't selfish.

3.  Drawing boundaries. You're worth it to not let people walk all over you.

4. Not settling. Knowing what you you have earned and what you deserve.

5. Despite your flaws, you are still worthy of love. Knowing the Lord loves me unconditionally helps a bad day feel better.

6. Going after your goals. Carpe that diem.

7. Taking care of yourself. I've written multiple posts on self care so I'm not going to hop on that soapbox.

8. Reaching out for people. Who is that person in life you can turn to no matter what?

9. I'm tired of lists. You catch my drift.

Self worth is so much more than knowing that you are beautiful inside and out (which you are-don't ever forget it!). I truly believe having a strong sense of who you are and what you bring to the table can help you find contentment in all of life's circumstances. Here's to loving ourselves more. Who's with me?!

Regrets

So I created this blog from the inspiration of one little phrase my brother told a month before he passed away. "You gotta live man". He was encouraging me to take risks, loosen up, and just enjoy life more. At that point in my life, I was very much wrapped up in achieving, checking things off my "life checklist" without stopping to notice what a beautifully messy and wonderful world we live in.

Obviously, Tyler's death was a huge wake up call that life is precious and about so much more than accomplishing things. So I started taking his advice. I started being more invested in life and took chances. I let go a little more of the "shoulds" and started focusing on what I wanted to do. And I truly feel like letting loose a little more has made me enjoy life so much more.

The thing about taking chances though, is sometimes we have regrets. Things don't turn out the way we want them to. Sometimes when we live in the moment, we make rash decisions that we wind up regretting. You find yourself thinking "Man. I should have thought that one through a little more." Or my classic approach of humming to myself until the thought goes away.

So what do we do when we let go of our inhibitions but then regret it? The way I see it, we have two choices….we can stew on it, go back into our bubble, and play it safe for the rest of our lives.  Or we can shrug it off, count it as a lesson learned and make it part of our story and keep on keeping on.

Choice A is safe, it's comfortable, and it's easy. Choice B is harder. It's harder to laugh off a regret than you think it is. And it may be years before the regret is something you can tell as a funny story. What I have learned venturing out of my bubble after spending years there? The bubble is safe but at the end of my life is that what I wanted my story to say? Will I say on my deathbed man I'm so glad I played it safe my whole life? Nope. So here's to taking chances, making mistakes, letting go of perfectionism and living. Life is a grand adventure. Go explore. You gotta live man.