July Blues

So it's July.  I used to love July. It meant pool parties, fireworks, lake trips, and my favorite part, my birthday.

Now July just makes me sad. It reminds me of Tyler.  It reminds me of the worst day of my life. It reminds me of the worst phone call of my life. It reminds me of putting my brother into the ground and saying goodbye to him for the very last time. It reminds me of how people expect me to excited and celebrate when the only thing I want for my birthday is to see my brother. It reminds me of another year that has passed-one more year of not seeing him.

Every July it feels like the scar tissue around my heart gets torn off a little bit and I feel the raw hurt of losing Tyler so suddenly. It feels like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. A reminder that life is hard. Really hard. Reminder that we're all broken.

From that brokenness, I find strength. I'm still standing. I'm still growing. I'm still fighting. I find comfort from the Lord. On days where I feel like I want to go into panic mode wondering what I have done in these past three years, I remember picking up the pieces from losing someone and starting again is a feat in and of itself. I am not the same woman I was three years ago. And while I would give my left leg to have my brother back, I know that he's proud of me. I am strong. I am resilient. I will do my very best every day. And like a good friend reminded me last night, it's ok to not be ok all the time.

I'll close this sad post with something a little light hearted because I think that's the way Tyler would do it. The song I connect to most when I think of Tyler is P. Diddy's "I'll be missing you." I'm pretty sure Tyler would find it hilarious and appropriate. So here's one verse for ya, Tyler.


It's kinda hard with you not around
Know you in heaven smilin down
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I'll keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts Big I just can't define 
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
I still can't believe you're gone 
Give anything to hear half your breath 
I know you still living you're life, after death