The past few years have been real bumpy. Grieving the loss of my brother but also letting that experience become a jump starter to my own journey of self discovery. I realized that life was way too short and way too special to be a spectator rather than a participant.
It's been journey to learn the balance of being proactive but also of letting go of control. I learned that I needed to figure out what I wanted my life to look like, work hard, but not to be devastated if it didn't work out exactly as planned. Because I'm not in control no matter how much I want to pretend like I am.
During the fall, I worked really hard to do that and I'm still working on it. So far, I've been really blessed by the way things are going. And really really happy. So in my happiness, a thought crossed my mind: "Should I feel guilty that my life is moving forward while Tyler's ended way too soon?" "Should I feel guilty that he only crossed my mind once that day?"
And obviously the answer is no. But it's a lot easier said than done. I know I have a lot of life milestones that I haven't hit yet and that Tyler will never get the chance to hit. But that doesn't mean I hold myself back and not let myself experience it.
So I'm letting go. Knowing that while my life continues on, my brother is with me every step of the way just like he said he would be. I know I will have days where his memory and the loss of him will hit me so hard that it feels like the wind was knocked out of me. But there is also going to be days where he will be a thought and that's all. And that's ok.
Letting go of anything, but especially of control, can be really scary but sometimes worth it. And not only worth it, but needed.
