Seasons

So there are pros and cons to living with your best friend of 20 years. A pro is that they already know you backwards and forwards. A con would have to be that they stop putting up with your nonsense. Like when you come home complaining about the same thing for the 20th time and her answer for the 20th time is, "It's just a season in your life."
My response? "I'M SO SICK OF THIS SEASON!! This season is lasting forever" (Because I'm melodramatic like that)
And I know she's right. It is just a season. No matter how long this particular season seems.

So what do I know about seasons?
I know that they stay for an extended amount of time. (Maybe not in Texas, but they're supposed to).
 There are some seasons I like better than others. Give me spring and summer any day over winter and fall.
They're unpredictable. It could be an exceptionally cold winter or a rainy spring.
There are teaser days in them. Sometimes it's 75 in January and then the very next day its 34 and raining.
They are almost always longer than expected. We know when it's getting ready to change seasons but there is one last cold front or scorching day.

Well my friends, I am in the process of applying that knowledge to my seasons of life. I'm trying really hard to get out complaining mode so that my roommate and my parents don't murder me. This season in my life is not forever even on days when it seems like it. It is completely different than what I expected but that's ok. In this season, I have really amazing days and I also have really hard days. And that's also ok.

Here are some things I'm trying to focus on so that I can stay present in this season instead of wishing for better days ahead.
1. God is by my side every minute of every day even when the day feels like chaos.
2. I have to take care of myself. That includes knowing my limits when to stop adding things to my plate.
3. Stop comparing. We're all beautifully unique and all in completely different seasons of life. My life doesn't need to match or compare to someone else's.
4. Accept the hard days. Just because it's a hard day doesn't mean it's a hard life. It's ok to be sad. It's ok for me to still have hard days where I miss Tyler. Or days where work drains me. Tomorrow is  a completely new day.
5. I will probably look back on this season and smile. When I'm forty with kids and every day is booked with an activity, I will remember the times when I flew by the seat of my pants.

So here's to making the best of every season of life, to staying present in the moment. Because like Tyler said, "You've just gotta live, man."

2014.

2014. I can't believe it. The past couple of New Years, I've been a little cynical, anxious, and unexcited about the upcoming year. I felt a little blah, like I was doing the best I could but that I was going through the motions and not necessarily enjoying the ride.

2013 was a tremendous year of change for me which is why I think looking back it feels like a really hard year and why I felt like a mess for the second half of it. I graduated, finished an internship, job hunted, got licensed, went to Paris, started two new jobs, moved out, and got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. It was a lot. And I was stressed.

But especially with some attitude adjustments as of late, I'm adjusted to the change. And for the first time in a few years, I'm really excited to see what this year has in store. Sure, there are a few things in my life that I wish were different, but God is really good even when life seems hard and change is overwhelming.

And as backwards as it sounds, I've found peace in letting go of control and being ok with not knowing what is around the corner. I'm definitely praying for continued guidance and direction but I know that I will end up where I need to be. This is going to be a big year. I can feel it. And I'm so excited to see what's in store.

Therapy

As I've written this blog, I've talked about may different types of therapy that have been helpful since starting this journey through grief to self discovery/growth/empowerment. 

And all of them have served their purpose. Most of you know I'm not a big talker. Mainly because I can't verbally express all of the feelings and thoughts I have in a way that I feel portrays them accurately. So I found different ways to express the feelings bottling up inside of me.  In the first few months after losing Tyler, I was so angry at everything. I knew I needed to punch something so I got some MMA type gloves and a punching shield thing (Sorry I'm not up on my MMA terminology). I got my dad to hold the shield while I literally beat the crap of it for as long as I physically could. On intensely sad days, I would paint. On days I felt inspired, I would write. And my counselor helped me along the way. I would trust myself and what I needed to do and I started feeling better. I grew. I processed my grief and while it's always going to be a journey, I'm a lot closer than where I was. 

So let's flash forward to the past couple of months. I'm busy. Very very busy. My evenings are booked up and I have one day off a week. I also got diagnosed with Celiac disease (yay genetics) and have been attempting to make that lifestyle change. And while, I feel like I finally have a good grasp on my schedule, I can tell you truthfully that a lot of times I feel drained. But in the midst of all the craziness, I inadvertently found a new therapy for this season in my life. I started exercising. 

Before I would drag my butt to the gym mainly because I knew I should. But for the past couple of months, there has been a shift. It's no longer a chore but an excitement. I know that I'm about to carve out an hour for myself just to let my mind rest. Maybe I've started enjoying it more because I can channel all of my frustration and anxiety into exercise rather than letting it bottle up. Maybe I also enjoy feeling strong and in control when the rest of my life feels a little chaotic right now. Whatever the reason, I'm thankful because I know it has helped me find balance and peace during a time of change and hectic-ness. 

Now don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a blog where I post selfies of me flexing in the mirror or posting my workout of the day. (I'm terrible at taking selfies and am pretty clueless of the new "it" workout.)But I will encourage you to go and find your own type of therapy. Maybe it's actual counseling, exercising, or coffee with a  friend. We're all living our own story and are in different seasons of life. So trust your gut and most importantly, take care of yourself. 

Attitude Adjustment

So I'm slowing emerging from my hermit status and attempting to adjust to my new schedule with both of my jobs.

Let me tell you though, I was overwhelmed. And not very much fun to be around. And that happened for a lot of reasons. Number one is that I tend to be a perfectionist and want to be good at something automatically and beat myself up if I'm not. I was also tired since my work hours are different than I've ever worked. Most of all, it was change. And a lot of times, it is hard to adjust to any type of change.

My parents & roomie heard a lot of my complaining. "I don't like not being good at it yet." "I'm so tired." "I don't know why I'm in a bad mood, I just am OK?" "I'm just so stressed."

Finally my mom had to bust out the tough love. "I think you expect to be rich without working hard." That first convo didn't go over so well. I'm going to go ahead and blame the fact I was drink de-caffeinated coffee without knowing it for two days. (Just a teensy bit irritable.) Y'all can thank Emily for pointing that one out for me.

The second convo went over better and it was just a simple text from my mom. "I've come to find that if you expect you will have a bad day, you usually do." Dang it. She's right again. When am I going to learn that my mother is pretty much right about everything?

Instead of dwelling how I'm not good at it yet, I can choose to instead think what a huge learning experience it is. I can think about how I am luckily to have jobs and am able to pay my bills. I can remind myself that I just have to be better at scheduling my time with friends and self care time. And lastly, I can think about how I will adjust to the change and it is a season of my life that is not only necessary but useful for my growth as a counselor.

So here's to a new attitude. And embracing this time in my life. And last but not least, here's to caffeinated coffee.

Overanalyzing

So I overanalyze most things. It's a problem. Not just overanalyze I also over think things. For example, if you normally text me with smiley faces and emojis and then one day you don't, I might think to myself..."Oh no! I wonder if I did something? Are they mad at me?" and of course 9 times out of 10 they just typed something to me quickly and meant nothing by it. 

I tell you this because I've been doing it a lot lately with Tyler's birthday coming up on Saturday. I have not really discussed my grieving process on this blog mainly because my grief was so intensely personal and private to me. And that's ok. And I've grieved for my brother and if you consider losing my brother like a wound, I feel as though I have enough scar tissue that it doesn't hurt as bad anymore. I consider that healing taking place. 

These past few days when I have talked to family members they say that Saturday (Tyler's birthday) will be hard. So of course I start overanalyzing and think, "Man, I'm not feeling super sad. I was looking forward to going out to the cemetery and spending the day with family. Should I be sadder? What's wrong with me?" So on and so forth. 

And in these moments, I have to step back and remind myself of the truths I know. I know I miss my brother incredibly much. I know that I have random sad days and just because I'm not sad on his birthday does not make me a bad sister or love him any less. I know that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know that he's in a place where there is no more sadness, brokenness, or hurting. And I also know that my journey is different than everyone else's. I know that my grief is different than theirs and I cannot overanalyze or over think it. I need to trust the process. And most importantly, I know that I'm healing and growing and I couldn't ask for more. 

So if you yourself are grieving or know someone that is, I encourage not to compare and not to over think it. Just be supportive. Love them where they're at in their journey, and trust that the Lord is healing their heart the way it needs to be healed for them uniquely. Most importantly, have faith in the journey. Because everyone's is different. 

Grace.

Friends,
I apologize for my hermit status. I started a second job that takes up a lot of brain cells and energy. And I'm attempting to give myself some grace to adjust to it. Because it takes a lot more energy expecting to do it all and be perfect at the same time than it does to take a deep breath step back and give myself time to adjust. I learned that the hard way.

So now, I'm sitting outside on this beautiful fall day and fingers aren't typing out want my brain wants to say. And instead of fretting about it I'm going to let it go and soak up the rest of the day before I have to get ready for work. Hopefully I'll have a real post soon but for now, quotes will have to suffice. :)