Overanalyzing

So I overanalyze most things. It's a problem. Not just overanalyze I also over think things. For example, if you normally text me with smiley faces and emojis and then one day you don't, I might think to myself..."Oh no! I wonder if I did something? Are they mad at me?" and of course 9 times out of 10 they just typed something to me quickly and meant nothing by it. 

I tell you this because I've been doing it a lot lately with Tyler's birthday coming up on Saturday. I have not really discussed my grieving process on this blog mainly because my grief was so intensely personal and private to me. And that's ok. And I've grieved for my brother and if you consider losing my brother like a wound, I feel as though I have enough scar tissue that it doesn't hurt as bad anymore. I consider that healing taking place. 

These past few days when I have talked to family members they say that Saturday (Tyler's birthday) will be hard. So of course I start overanalyzing and think, "Man, I'm not feeling super sad. I was looking forward to going out to the cemetery and spending the day with family. Should I be sadder? What's wrong with me?" So on and so forth. 

And in these moments, I have to step back and remind myself of the truths I know. I know I miss my brother incredibly much. I know that I have random sad days and just because I'm not sad on his birthday does not make me a bad sister or love him any less. I know that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know that he's in a place where there is no more sadness, brokenness, or hurting. And I also know that my journey is different than everyone else's. I know that my grief is different than theirs and I cannot overanalyze or over think it. I need to trust the process. And most importantly, I know that I'm healing and growing and I couldn't ask for more. 

So if you yourself are grieving or know someone that is, I encourage not to compare and not to over think it. Just be supportive. Love them where they're at in their journey, and trust that the Lord is healing their heart the way it needs to be healed for them uniquely. Most importantly, have faith in the journey. Because everyone's is different. 

Grace.

Friends,
I apologize for my hermit status. I started a second job that takes up a lot of brain cells and energy. And I'm attempting to give myself some grace to adjust to it. Because it takes a lot more energy expecting to do it all and be perfect at the same time than it does to take a deep breath step back and give myself time to adjust. I learned that the hard way.

So now, I'm sitting outside on this beautiful fall day and fingers aren't typing out want my brain wants to say. And instead of fretting about it I'm going to let it go and soak up the rest of the day before I have to get ready for work. Hopefully I'll have a real post soon but for now, quotes will have to suffice. :)

Perspective

So I don't like Mondays. Aside from the obvious reasons, I also spend the day at home working and getting ready for the week.  I feel like I'm the only one at home. (which I know isn't true) And although I'm working, I feel super antsy being in the house. Probably because I have so many other distractions. (Chrissy, coffee, etc)

And today is no different. I was sitting at my computer attempting to get some work done but I found myself completely unable to sit still. I finally decided to take a break and read a book for a while. I went outside and sighed because my backyard isn't super pretty yet. Eventually I plan to make it pretty but right now all I have is a big storage shed and a nice view of my neighborhood's backyard. I began to read then decided to lay down on the bench we have in the backyard.

The view from this direction was incredible. At least to me. I immediately put my book down. I realized that I was under the shade of a massive old tree. There was a soft breeze, just enough to make the leaves rustle. A butterfly fluttered by the branches. And I suddenly felt very small. I also felt like time had stopped and it helped me to finally sit still. And to be appreciative of my surroundings. I was all of a sudden incredibly grateful not to be stuck in a office but to be there in that exact moment taking a deep breath and appreciating the beauty of God's creation in my own (not pretty yet) backyard. It helped me gain some perspective. Not just in the literal sense but also in the metaphorical sense. It's a constant battle for me to slow down but I'm glad that I was able to take a break today, breathe deeply, and be grateful to be exactly where I am.

I find it incredibly helpful to gain different perspectives. I encourage you to try it too. It may just reaffirm your position or it may completely change your position. Either way seems helpful to me. Whether it is literally laying down and looking up instead of down or looking at your problem from a different angle, a new change of scenery could be refreshing.

My view laying down in my backyard

Make Believe

It's been a while since I've shared some of my favorite quotes that I've found recently. Quotes always make me smile. Hopefully these will make you smile too.

The first one I'm going to share is from the book "The Paris Wife" and I'm only three chapters in but I'm really enjoying it so far. It's about Ernest Hemingway's wife in the 1920s. This is how the second chapter began:

"There's a song from that time by Nora Bayes called 'Make Believe' which might have been the most lilting and persuasive treatise on self-delusion I'd ever heard. Nora Bayes was beautiful, and she sang with a trembling voice that told you she knew things about love. When she advised you to throw off all the old pain and worry and heartache and smile--well, you believed she'd done this herself. It wasn't a suggestion but a prescription...I felt it speaking directly to me: Make believe you are glad when you're sorry. Sunshine will follow the rain... I'd had my share of rain."

The chapter ends with this:
"--but there was a something new, too, a glimmer of potential. It was just possible the sun was on its way. In the meantime, I would hum Nora Bayes and do my damnedest to make believe." 

I can't really articulate exactly why that quote spoke to me so much. But it was one that stirred in my soul. The kind where it sits in your gut and simmers there while you mull it over. The kind where you feel a connection that someone out there gets it and understands. And can put those feelings into words when you can't. And those are my favorite kind.

Here are some more that I love as of late:

I hope you enjoyed those as much as I do. And if life gets busy, I hope you see the glimmer of potential that the sunshine is coming just like The Paris Wife says or, at least make believe.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

So life has been good. Really good. Daily I receive reminders of how grateful I am to have such wonderful people in my life, that I chose the profession I did, and just all around grateful for my life and my story as it unfolds.

But if that's the case, why am I so tired?! I mean, exhausted.

I began to think about this yesterday when I was attempting to do some work from home and my bed was just calling my name. All.day.long. I felt like I could go to sleep at any time. And if you know me, you know I don't nap. I haven't since I announced to my mom when I was about four that I was no longer going to nap. So I when I feel so exhausted that I could nap, I know something is up.

I was talking to my community group about it and I came to the realization that I have been in "go mode". Yes, everything has been going good but everything has also been really busy. I've caught myself recently constantly putting reminders in my calendar so I won't forget even the mundane stuff that wouldn't matter if I forgot. Even when I'm home and "relaxing" my brain is constantly running. Thinking of to-dos, picking out my outfit for tomorrow, checking emails, making sure I didn't forget anything, on and on. And that my friends, is exhausting. Thankfully, I know I have a tendency to swing to anxious side of things and I know how to take care of myself.

It's easy these days to be constantly busy even when we think we are "relaxing" in front of the tv. Put the computer/phone/Ipad down and give your brain a break. Like Ferris Bueller said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Leap of Faith

So, I moved. It was a completely insane week consisting of signing a lease, packing up, and moving out.

I'm sure for some of you, you are probably thinking-it's about time! And my heart agrees, my head is still a little iffy. Don't get me wrong, it was an amazing price and awesome location but for a girl who is still building up her client base, it was a leap of faith.

And let me tell you, leaps of faith are scary. And I'm still in that free fall part of it where I'm not sure how it'll turn out, but I'm exhilarated and petrified at the same time. But I know I have good people at the bottom that are there for me no matter what.

And sometimes, you just have to do things that make you happy. I know what is good for me and this is a good thing. I've been in a self proclaimed funk and I felt stagnant and stuck. So I jumped. And let me tell you, it feels pretty good to get moving. It's time for an adventure. I promised myself that 25 would be the year to make things happen and be the best one yet. And this is the first step.

So if you are feeling stuck, I encourage you to jump. Take a leap of faith. It feels a whole lot better than not doing anything.

Rainy Days:Part two.

So this may be weird, but I absolutely love it when the weather matches my mood. Today is one of those days. It is a rare rainy July day in Texas. I am very much thankful for the rain and cooler temperatures but it just so happens to fit my mood.

Tomorrow will mark two years from when I lost my brother. Needless to say, I am pretty sad and the rain just fits that mood. It is also funny because my second blog post Rainy Days was written on the one year mark of Tyler's passing and it was raining that day.

I've experienced so much and grown so much over this past year. I've had good times but I've also struggled. But these past few days I was crying at the drop of hat and at first, it surprised me. But I thought about it and no matter how much time has passed, of course I am sad. I've grieved my brother. I've patched up the hole in my heart as best as I can. But, there's still a hole and there always will be. My brother was my best friend, brought my life so much joy and laughter and I am allowed to be achingly sad at losing him entirely too soon. Because I know there will be days when I am joyful at his memory and the time we had together. I will have my happy days where I am absolutely thankful for the life I have been given.

So if you're finding this rainy day fitting to your mood, it's ok. We can have a sad day together. Every emotion is normal. Some are just more fun than others. So allow yourself to be sad and take care of yourself and if you do, know that joy is coming. Of this I am sure.