Rainy Days:Part two.

So this may be weird, but I absolutely love it when the weather matches my mood. Today is one of those days. It is a rare rainy July day in Texas. I am very much thankful for the rain and cooler temperatures but it just so happens to fit my mood.

Tomorrow will mark two years from when I lost my brother. Needless to say, I am pretty sad and the rain just fits that mood. It is also funny because my second blog post Rainy Days was written on the one year mark of Tyler's passing and it was raining that day.

I've experienced so much and grown so much over this past year. I've had good times but I've also struggled. But these past few days I was crying at the drop of hat and at first, it surprised me. But I thought about it and no matter how much time has passed, of course I am sad. I've grieved my brother. I've patched up the hole in my heart as best as I can. But, there's still a hole and there always will be. My brother was my best friend, brought my life so much joy and laughter and I am allowed to be achingly sad at losing him entirely too soon. Because I know there will be days when I am joyful at his memory and the time we had together. I will have my happy days where I am absolutely thankful for the life I have been given.

So if you're finding this rainy day fitting to your mood, it's ok. We can have a sad day together. Every emotion is normal. Some are just more fun than others. So allow yourself to be sad and take care of yourself and if you do, know that joy is coming. Of this I am sure.

Through Painted Deserts

So, I read another Donald Miller book. Yep, another. I think I'm running out of books though so this may be my last post about something I read by him.

Through Painted Deserts is Donald Miller's story about how he rediscovered his faith and what was important to him all while on a trip across country. It's pretty interesting and highly recommend it. I think part of the reason I enjoy his writing so much is because he writes about the deep things that we are all thinking but sometimes can't put into words. Here's some of my favorite quotes from this book all of it is good though so read it!

"And yet the chemicals in my brain that make me feel beauty when I look up at the stars, when I watch the sunset, indicate I must be here for a reason. I thin I would sum it up this way: life is not a story about me, but it is being told to me, and I can be glad of that."

"I think we are supposed to sleep in meadows and watch stars dart across space and time. I think we are supposed to love our friends and introduce people to the story, to the peaceful, calming why of life."

"....find some people who aren't like me and learn to love them, and do something even harder, let them love me, receive the love of somebody who doesn't share my faith system, who doesn't agree with me about everything, and I will sleep beneath the stars and whisper thank you to the Creator of the universe, as a way of reacquainting myself with an old friend, a friend who says you don't have to be smart or good-looking you just have to cling to Him, love Him, need Him, listen to His story." 

So in this age where we think that we need to be constantly going, achieving, getting things, take the time to stop. Take a breath. Listen. Enjoy what a beautiful world the Lord has created. We are all part of a bigger story. Think grandly. Love grandly. Appreciate what a gift this life is and be content with what you have now because we have everything need. God is faithful, He is good, and He provides.

Have a wonderful week!!

Patience

Have you ever heard the expression patience is a virtue? Well, I feel as though lately I'm about to have a lot of virtue.

In pretty much all aspects of my life, I'm having to take a step back and have some patience. Remind myself that that things aren't necessarily going to happen at my pace or if at all. And that's easy to say and harder to do. It gets frustrating and it makes me crazy but I know that because of this waiting I am going to appreciate it so much more.

Luckily some quotes have come my way lately that help and so I thought I would share them with you.

"Wait on the Lord" is a constant refrain in the Psalms, and it is a necessary word, for God often keeps us waiting. He is not in such a hurry as we are, and it is not his way to give more light on the future than we need for action in the present, or to guide us more than one step at a time. When in doubt, do nothing, but continue to wait on God. When action is needed, light will come. 

-- J.I. Packer, Knowing God

"Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don't spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don't get stuck in the past and don't try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven't yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life's path."

So if you're playing the waiting game, welcome to the club. It's not a very fun one. But here's to having patience even when you're feeling antsy. And knowing that you are supposed to be exactly where you are today and growing from it. (At least that's what I'm thinking) 

Speaking Truth

Yet again, it's been a while since I posted. I'm not going to pretend I've been super busy. I've been super uninspired.

And I've come to the realization, that's ok. It seems simple but in a period where I feel like I'm in a self proclaimed funk, it's necessary to remind myself of just that.

 The past year and a half I experienced a tremendous amount of growth in myself. I figured out the type of person I wanted to be. I daily felt inspired with different thoughts or ideas. I challenged myself but also trusted myself. I questioned some things and accepted others. And during this time I felt empowered, strong, ready to conquer the world or at least my world.

So here I am feeling like I'm at a plateau. Feeling like every setback is much bigger than it is. Feeling exhausted and feeling meh. Whatever emotion that is. Like I said, that's ok. Just like our bodies take a break from growing, I can take a break from growing emotionally. Sometimes it's necessary. It's ok if I don't feel like taking on the world today or if I'm uninspired. For now. I have no doubt that my inspiration will return and I will soon feel like changing the world again.

 But for now, people have unknowingly helped me find peace but speaking truth in my life. Whether it is my mom who is amazing about speaking truth in a kind, loving, but practical way, my bible study unknowingly sending out the perfect scripture in an email, or catching up with friends who can empathize while encourage, all of these speak truth in my life in their own unique and special way.

So here's to being content. A constant struggle but worth the fight.

"Life is more than clothes and cars and a new flavor of toothpaste. It is community and creation and beauty and humanity...There is a serenity in life, after all, and once a withdrawal is felt at having left the lies behind, a soul begins to feel at home in its own skin."
-Donald Miller Through Painted Deserts

Be the Good.

So I promised that my next post was going to be an uplifting one. And as promised, I've got a story for you.

I was at the post office today and there was a long line for the self service kiosk. There was an elderly woman trying to buy stamps at the machine. She was obviously struggling with how to work it. About five minutes pass. A guy about my age maybe a little older approaches her and in the most polite and respectful way, asks her if she would like any help. She replied that she suffered a stroke so she has lost some short term memory. The guy walked her through the entire process showing how it worked the whole time encouraging her and explaining what was going on. When she was finished, she told him was grateful she was and told him that it was good people like him that kept the world going. She then turned around and apologized to the rest of the line. Instead of the line being annoyed for having to wait, people smiled and genuinely encouraged her.

The whole scene just warmed my heart. Lately there has been a lot of doom and gloom on the news. Maybe even more than usual if that's possible. A lot of disasters, death, murder,etc. With all of that it is easy to assume that the world and the people in it are just getting worse and worse.


Bottom line-There are still amazingly kind and good people on this planet. In fact, our generation is getting the reputation for being one of the most altruistic. The scene at the post office was just a wonderful reminder of all the good in the world. Big and small.

So let's live up to our reputation. Let's start spreading more kindness, generosity, and love instead of complaining about all the bad.

Struggle

So life has been pretty good lately. I have a job but I have to wait for my license so I'm basically on summer vacation. My bffl is moving back soon. It's my mom's birthday (Go wish her a very happy birthday!!) I could go on but simply I've been breathing easy. Finally taking a deep breath.

Then I went to church on Sunday and the message was "Living proof He is the King of Peace". You can check it out here. But warning! Have your tissues ready. I cried my eyes out. It is message about despite what happens, God loves you and can give you peace.

Growing up I had the idea that if you're a good person and do what you're supposed to do, nothing bad will happen to  you. And if something "bad" happened, I would look back and wonder well I guess it was because I did something bad.

I've learned over the past two years and was reminded again on Sunday, bad things happen to good people. Life can be tough. You can do the absolute best you can (and that's probably a good idea anyways) but life can still knock you down. And it's inexplicable. And out of the blue. And just plain hard.  But like Robert Frost says, Life goes on.

And like I said in my rainy day post, sad days are absolutely ok. So is enjoying the happy days (and the days that feel like summer vacation).

We are all going to experience the worst days of our lives. And not in the "Got a flat tire in the rain. WORST DAY EVER" sense. Literally the day when your heart breaks into a million pieces. Some of us may have more than one. Things won't go according to your plan. But in those days, know that the Creator of the universe loves you so incredibly much. And He can bring you peace. The restorative healing kind of peace. And there is wonderful Joy ahead.

Man. That post was a downer. But I just had to share the sermon. Next post will be more upbeat. I promise!

Quarter Life Crisis

Well with my 25th birthday right around the corner, I think it's safe to say I may be having a quarter life crisis. I read some of the books on the list from Pinterest "books for you quarter life crisis" (or something like that) and I thought it would make me feel better. It didn't.

Here's the thing. Life can be tough. It's not going to turn out the way you planned it. And that's beautiful, tragic, awe-inspiring, perplexing chaotic, scary, and joyful all wrapped in one.

It's been said before but our culture is completely wrapped up in the wanting more, having more, doing more. To an extent, that's not a bad thing. But here I am at 25 with two degrees and  a pretty good life and I was about to melt down because I couldn't find a job in a month. Well, I lied. I did have a meltdown. I was mad that I couldn't find a job in the area I wanted to. I was worried what other people thought of me. I was tired of explaining what I was doing postgrad. I was sad and hurt that a place didn't think I was a good fit.

Sometimes a meltdown is all you need. It changed my attitude and outlook. I remembered a few things.

Made me remember that it's not in my control. I can work my very hardest and apply but at the end of the day, I will end up where I need to be.
I remembered that my identity is not wrapped up into whether or not I find a job. Period.
I remembered that  this is my life,my story. So I need to stop comparing it to others.
I remembered that it was ok to feel all of those things I mentioned above. But I needed to feel it and then let it go.
Finally, I remembered that I'm not guaranteed an easy life. Struggle is part of everyone's story. It's what makes the story interesting. And like my friend Evelynn said, we will look back in this time in our lives and realize some things (like job hunting) are just bumps in the road.

And of course, in typical Courtney-melodramatic fashion, I found a job a week later. It's not the area I was expecting but I'm going to take the leap of faith. I'm excited but scared. Who knows what this new chapter will hold but that's the exciting thing.

So I encourage you, embrace the struggle. Live your own story. You are enough and have enough. Most of all, you're loved no matter what.