Same song, 4th verse.

The first of July rolls around and along with it, a dull heavy sadness settles into my chest. I found myself driving home tonight fighting back tears that threatened spilling out. It didn't take me much time to figure out why I was on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. It wouldn't be my first July to blog about how hard July is. Same song, 4th verse.

Yet,  I'm frustrated July is still hard. I'm frustrated that I have to spend a few weeks with my emotions being on edge and navigating family interactions that are hard. My anger returns that Tyler was taken too soon and sadness knowing that my life is continuing on without him physically present. I'm frustrated that I feel like a burden on my core people because I am sad.

Because July is still hard.

And that's ok.

My last post, I wrote about how happy I was. And I still am. I have transitioned into a happy and joy-filled season in my life and I am so thankful for that. I know that is not a small thing. I worked on what I could and tried my best to have faith in the rest. But July is still hard and I am still sad. And that's ok. In an attempt to help with the sadness, I am going to write out truths that I know.

1. My grief has evolved and changed over the years and will continue to do so.
2. It is absolutely normal to experience sadness more often this month. It means I had a wonderful, special relationship with Tyler.
3. It's ok to lean on my people a little harder this month. They are my people because they have been with me and stuck it out and I know that they will be there for me no matter what.
4. It's ok to mentally prepare myself for July. It's ok to take off work on the 15th and practice extra self care this month.
5.Just like Tyler said, he is always with me. He's there in fun memories or sharing about him to others. Or in a song on the radio or in God nods I receive from time to time.  He won't ever be forgotten.
6. And last but definitely not least, God is faithful. Even in the worst of times and even if I was still in a season of sadness, He is faithful. He brings peace. He is my ultimate Hope.

Grieving is hard. And it stinks. But I am so thankful I had a such a sweet relationship with my brother that makes grieving hard. I wouldn't trade our fun memories for anything in the world.

Letting Go

So I haven't posted in a while. For one thing, I've been real busy. But also, I've been real happy. Not just happy but content and joyful. Often times, this blog has been a way for me to process when my mind was reeling.

The past few years have been real bumpy. Grieving the loss of my brother but also letting that experience become a jump starter to my own journey of self discovery. I realized that life was way too short and way too special to be a spectator rather than a participant.

It's been journey to learn the balance of being proactive but also of letting go of control. I learned that I needed to figure out what I wanted my life to look like, work hard, but not to be devastated if it didn't work out exactly as planned. Because I'm not in control no matter how much I want to pretend like I am.

During the fall, I worked really hard to do that and I'm still working on it. So far, I've been really blessed by the way things are going. And really really happy. So in my happiness, a thought crossed my mind: "Should I feel guilty that my life is moving forward while Tyler's ended way too soon?" "Should I feel guilty that he only crossed my mind once that day?"

And obviously the answer is no. But it's a lot easier said than done. I know I have a lot of life milestones that I haven't hit yet and that Tyler will never get the chance to hit. But that doesn't mean I hold myself back and not let myself experience it.

So I'm letting go. Knowing that while my life continues on, my brother is with me every step of the way just like he said he would be. I know I will have days where his memory and the loss of him will hit me so hard that it feels like the wind was knocked out of me. But there is also going to be days where he will be a thought and that's all. And that's ok.

Letting go of anything, but especially of control, can be really scary but sometimes worth it. And not only worth it, but needed.