Same song, 4th verse.

The first of July rolls around and along with it, a dull heavy sadness settles into my chest. I found myself driving home tonight fighting back tears that threatened spilling out. It didn't take me much time to figure out why I was on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. It wouldn't be my first July to blog about how hard July is. Same song, 4th verse.

Yet,  I'm frustrated July is still hard. I'm frustrated that I have to spend a few weeks with my emotions being on edge and navigating family interactions that are hard. My anger returns that Tyler was taken too soon and sadness knowing that my life is continuing on without him physically present. I'm frustrated that I feel like a burden on my core people because I am sad.

Because July is still hard.

And that's ok.

My last post, I wrote about how happy I was. And I still am. I have transitioned into a happy and joy-filled season in my life and I am so thankful for that. I know that is not a small thing. I worked on what I could and tried my best to have faith in the rest. But July is still hard and I am still sad. And that's ok. In an attempt to help with the sadness, I am going to write out truths that I know.

1. My grief has evolved and changed over the years and will continue to do so.
2. It is absolutely normal to experience sadness more often this month. It means I had a wonderful, special relationship with Tyler.
3. It's ok to lean on my people a little harder this month. They are my people because they have been with me and stuck it out and I know that they will be there for me no matter what.
4. It's ok to mentally prepare myself for July. It's ok to take off work on the 15th and practice extra self care this month.
5.Just like Tyler said, he is always with me. He's there in fun memories or sharing about him to others. Or in a song on the radio or in God nods I receive from time to time.  He won't ever be forgotten.
6. And last but definitely not least, God is faithful. Even in the worst of times and even if I was still in a season of sadness, He is faithful. He brings peace. He is my ultimate Hope.

Grieving is hard. And it stinks. But I am so thankful I had a such a sweet relationship with my brother that makes grieving hard. I wouldn't trade our fun memories for anything in the world.

Letting Go

So I haven't posted in a while. For one thing, I've been real busy. But also, I've been real happy. Not just happy but content and joyful. Often times, this blog has been a way for me to process when my mind was reeling.

The past few years have been real bumpy. Grieving the loss of my brother but also letting that experience become a jump starter to my own journey of self discovery. I realized that life was way too short and way too special to be a spectator rather than a participant.

It's been journey to learn the balance of being proactive but also of letting go of control. I learned that I needed to figure out what I wanted my life to look like, work hard, but not to be devastated if it didn't work out exactly as planned. Because I'm not in control no matter how much I want to pretend like I am.

During the fall, I worked really hard to do that and I'm still working on it. So far, I've been really blessed by the way things are going. And really really happy. So in my happiness, a thought crossed my mind: "Should I feel guilty that my life is moving forward while Tyler's ended way too soon?" "Should I feel guilty that he only crossed my mind once that day?"

And obviously the answer is no. But it's a lot easier said than done. I know I have a lot of life milestones that I haven't hit yet and that Tyler will never get the chance to hit. But that doesn't mean I hold myself back and not let myself experience it.

So I'm letting go. Knowing that while my life continues on, my brother is with me every step of the way just like he said he would be. I know I will have days where his memory and the loss of him will hit me so hard that it feels like the wind was knocked out of me. But there is also going to be days where he will be a thought and that's all. And that's ok.

Letting go of anything, but especially of control, can be really scary but sometimes worth it. And not only worth it, but needed.

Wanderlust

As many of you know, I flew up to the DC because my best friend of 21 years got engaged! I felt very lucky to be able to be part of the surprise and get to celebrate with her. Wahoo Emily and John!

I arrived on Thursday so I had all day Friday by myself before the proposal. I had two options, I could just hang at Evelynn's house or I could go explore a little bit. I decided to explore.

It's a strange feeling to be all by yourself in a city you don't know. No plans, no one's opinion for a plan, nothing. I tend to be pretty indecisive but exploring by yourself in a new city pretty much demands decisiveness.

Now don't get me wrong, I have a pretty good sense of direction and it wasn't my first time navigating a metro system. But on that Friday, I hopped the metro and decided to explore museums. It was a wonderful day. (I'm pretty good company if I do say so myself)

I think what I loved the most about it was the feeling of confidence I had. And it's a feeling that I hope to translate even when I'm in town and with friends and family. Relying less on validation from others and becoming even more confident in myself. In this day in age, it is really easy to depend more and more on validation from others. (Oh, I didn't get double digit likes on my Instagram, it must be a silly picture.) Not that I'm saying checking in with others is a bad thing. I know for me though, I'm going to find the balance of checking in with others but also be confident in my own decisions.


So here's to exploring, confidence, and living life to the fullest.
You gotta live, man.

Donuts &Swiss Cheese

For those of you who know me (or read my blog) know that I love a good metaphor. I use them a lot in counseling because sometimes it helps makes ideas more tangible.  One I especially enjoy, I learned from Dr. Landreth who encourages parents to "focus on the donut, not the hole!". Basically, don't hyper focus on what you have missing in your life so much so that you forget what you do have.

Sometimes, life feels less like a donut and more like swiss cheese. There are a lot of holes and things missing or that you wish were different in life. Because unfortunately sometimes life can be hard and it can seem overwhelming.

But what do we know about donuts and swiss cheese?
1. They are delicious.
2. Just because they have holes doesn't mean that they are damaged or aren't worth eating.
3. Did I mention they are delicious? Just maybe not together.


So in your pursuit of growth and self discovery, don't get so busy focusing on what's missing in life that you forget to see how valuable you are, just as you are. The Lord all made us beautifully unique. Those strengths and qualities that you have already are what hold you together. We can focus on those positive qualities and strengths in order for the holes or what we want to improve to seem less daunting.

Whether your life feels like a donut or more like swiss cheese, don't get so caught up focusing on what's missing that you don't see the good stuff right in front of you. Just like you wouldn't pass up a donut or swiss cheese because it has a hole, don't pass on yourself. Now, go carpe that diem.


(Sorry if I made you hungry because I am just writing this.)

Surfs up.

One time when I was in Hawaii, Tyler and I decided to swim in the ocean right off from our hotel. There were a lot of surfers out there but being 13 and 11 we didn't think much about it. So there we were, floating on our boogie boards (trying our hardest in our awkward years to be cool) and I see this massive wave approaching. I look over with wide eyes and asked Tyler "WHAT DO WE DO?!" He just looks at me and says "Start paddling!!" We start flailing our arms in hopes of out running the wave. Well, obviously we were two kids from Texas who knew nothing about surfing so of course the wave over takes us. And I'll never forget the feeling of being tossed in the wave. It flipped me, twisted me, turned me and held me under water for what felt like an eternity. But, I wasn't panicked in the least. It was oddly peaceful. And by not panicking, I could enjoy the chaos and the whir of the wave around me. While it felt like a lifetime, it was really only a few seconds. And by not trying to fight the wave, I arrived back on the beach where I probably needed to be.  The only damage that happened was that Tyler got his boogie board thrown at him by one of the good surfers because we messed up his wave. Sorry brah.

If I could describe my life right now I would describe that feeling. Life feels chaotic, busy, stressful. I know life is changing and moving in a million different directions. It at times feels overwhelming. And because of this, I feel somewhat disoriented. Pretty much the only thing in my control is me and my attitude towards the changes. I don't exactly know what all of these changes are or where I'll be but I know I don't need to fight the changes.  I need to stay calm and have a little faith that after riding it out, I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

So here's to letting go, having faith, and enjoying the ride. Surfs up.

Balancing Act

Well guys, last day of July. And I gotta tell ya, July wasn't so bad. I was sad and I missed Tyler, but I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I was shown throughout the month. I am so so blessed to have such a strong supportive community around me.

Speaking of support system, I was sitting at my community group last night and we got off on a tangent of busy-ness. We began discussing how it is so normal to constantly be doing something to the point of being overwhelmed and exhausted.

I think it is has become really easy for us to set a lot of really high expectations of ourselves. We are supposed to have successful important jobs, get married, have babies, be social with friends, stay fit, grow our own vegetables, only eat local/organic, have the cutest clothes, be really good at selfies (HA), have the cutest house, spend a whole sunday meal prepping for the entire month, I could go on and on.

And don't get me wrong, I think we can absolutely do it all. That is, if you really want to. I think the hardest thing to do, is staying balanced in the midst of it. To have a  really successful important job, you have to pour a lot of time and effort into it. So that may mean saying no to friend's invitations because you need to work/rest/etc or not having time to spend an entire day meal prepping for a month.

I feel like I am in the middle of learning this lesson. I have been pouring my heart and soul into growing my career and becoming the best counselor I can be. In the midst of it, I let other priorities slip. After some soul searching, I decided it was time to regain balance. So I'm in the process of discovering what I want on my plate, what's a priority, and what I can let go of. I love working out, it helps me stay sane. So that's going to stay on my plate. I would love to grow my own vegetables, but I don't have time and it's not a priority so maybe I'll stick to the good old grocery store. I think the trick too is taking care of ourselves in the midst of it all. As much as I love counseling, it can be draining at times. So spending time with my friends helps me re-fill my cup so I can pour into other people.

And I think that's the trick really. Evaluating what are the priorities and seeing if there are any modifications to make. And if modifications are needed, it doesn't mean you failed. It means you took care of yourself.

So here's to attempting to be superwoman. And giving myself grace if I can't quite do it all.

July Blues

So it's July.  I used to love July. It meant pool parties, fireworks, lake trips, and my favorite part, my birthday.

Now July just makes me sad. It reminds me of Tyler.  It reminds me of the worst day of my life. It reminds me of the worst phone call of my life. It reminds me of putting my brother into the ground and saying goodbye to him for the very last time. It reminds me of how people expect me to excited and celebrate when the only thing I want for my birthday is to see my brother. It reminds me of another year that has passed-one more year of not seeing him.

Every July it feels like the scar tissue around my heart gets torn off a little bit and I feel the raw hurt of losing Tyler so suddenly. It feels like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. A reminder that life is hard. Really hard. Reminder that we're all broken.

From that brokenness, I find strength. I'm still standing. I'm still growing. I'm still fighting. I find comfort from the Lord. On days where I feel like I want to go into panic mode wondering what I have done in these past three years, I remember picking up the pieces from losing someone and starting again is a feat in and of itself. I am not the same woman I was three years ago. And while I would give my left leg to have my brother back, I know that he's proud of me. I am strong. I am resilient. I will do my very best every day. And like a good friend reminded me last night, it's ok to not be ok all the time.

I'll close this sad post with something a little light hearted because I think that's the way Tyler would do it. The song I connect to most when I think of Tyler is P. Diddy's "I'll be missing you." I'm pretty sure Tyler would find it hilarious and appropriate. So here's one verse for ya, Tyler.


It's kinda hard with you not around
Know you in heaven smilin down
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I'll keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts Big I just can't define 
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
I still can't believe you're gone 
Give anything to hear half your breath 
I know you still living you're life, after death